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Search for missing peninsula journalist

in Latest News

The management of The Public Record have taken the unprecedented step of going public hoping to find out information on their missing journalist, Derrick DiMaggio.

Ten days ago, the following was scrawled on a fax received at TPR headquarters:

“Have accepted assignment as war correspondent for current civil conflict in Westeros. Unprecedented experience dealing with soulless people invading our lands from the north. Happens every summer on the peninsula. If Winterfell falls, next they’ll be jumping off The Pillars and taking our car parking spots. Must go north to provide strategic advice and FULL coverage. DM.”

Nothing has been heard of Derrick DiMaggio since.

“We are really concerned for Derrick’s welfare,” said a spokesman for The Public Record. “He has not been in contact with friends, family or his parole officer.”

“We did receive a post-pack with a shard of glass and a note that simply said ‘Dragonglass – Used’.”

“On closer inspection, it appeared to be glass from a broken Franks Red Hot Sauce bottle. Indeed, Gavin from accounts tasted the red substance and claimed that, while never having tasted White Walker blood, it seemed to taste very much like hot sauce.”

‘Used dragonglass’ or broken Franks Red Hot Sauce bottle?

“Another clue to Derrick’s whereabouts is that the package was postmarked Karingal, so it appears he hasn’t made it any further north than there”.

“Indeed, we had a call about someone that matched Derrick’s description yelling loudly at a staff member at the Karingal TAB. Apparently the staff member had refused to accept the agitated man’s cashier’s cheque for $10,000 from the Bank of Lichtenstein. Bystanders said the man kept screaming he wanted to plunge all $10,000 on Julia Banks to take out Flinders at 6.5:1”.

Anyone who has sighted Derrick can contact The Public Record.

Nauru looking at Mornington solution

in Latest News

Nauru is these days known as the dumping ground of Australia’s refugees, but it was dumping of another kind that made Nauru one of the richest nations on earth during the last century.

The tiny country is renowned for their phosphate mines. With phosphate originally covering four fifths of the island, it seemed like a never ending resource, until that resource dried up in the early 2000’s.

But a delegation from Nauru are not going to go down without a fight, and have identified another phosphate-rich resource in Mornington, and now want to mine it.

“We’d heard about it, but when we saw it for the first time, we really couldn’t believe it,” said Jospeh Tiffenson, head of the Nauruan delegation. “The amount of bird poo on Main Street just made our jaws hit the floor and had us seeing dollar signs”.

It was the bird poo on Nauru that kept the mines going for a century, but they have now lodged plans with Mornington Peninsula Shire to strip-mine the phosphate-rich bird poo from the footpaths in Main Street, Mornington.

“It won’t cause much inconvenience,” said Mr Tiffenson. “There will be road closures, some noise, and the use of quite a bit of explosives to get the bird poo off the footpath, but then we’ll truck it away, and it will be like nothing happened. Indeed, the residents of Mornington will be left with clean footpaths at last!”

Ironically, explosives is one of the products that phosphate is used for. Other uses include fertilizer, as an additive to animal feeds, and for the manufacturing of fidget-spinners.

“Obviously, the fidget-spinner market is immense. We literally can’t get enough phosphate to keep up with the demand,” said Mr Tiffenson.

The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio has contacted Mornington Peninsula Shire by raven to ask about the Nauruan’s plans, but had yet to receive a reply by time of publication.

Opponents of Tyabb airfield celebrate win

in Latest News

In stunning news sure to please anti-airport proponents in Tyabb, moves are underway to stop aircraft use at Tyabb Airport completely.

It is believed an international consortium are looking at a compulsory acquisition of the the entire airport under a United Nations mandate.

“We needed a Southern Hemisphere base, and quickly,” said Nathaniel Croimoux, head of international space organisation Mars Resupply Mission (MRM).

“We’ll stop the use of fixed wing aircraft completely if we manage to pull this off, which will be a total win for those in the community that are opposed to the airport.”

Mars Supply Mission are a contracted re-supplier to the intended missions to colonize Mars, and intend to build an international space-port at Tyabb used for the launch of reusable heavy-lift rockets.

“Mars is not the moon,” he said. “We won’t be going there for a few days and returning, we’ll be going there to build a new world. The cargo requirements will be in the millions of tonnes.”

MRM have been tasked with the mammoth task of supply and resupply to this “new world”.

“We’ll be transforming Tyabb Airport into a Southern Hemisphere space-port, supporting the continuous launch of these heavy-lift rockets to support the missions,” said Mr Croimoux.

“It will be wonderful. With the re-usability of rockets pioneered by the likes of SpaceX, we can launch, re-land the rockets, and launch again within hours. It is literally a matter of refilling the tanks with RP-1 and oxygen and strapping them to another payload”.

It is believed the heavy-lift rockets intended to be used will be able to transport up to 20 tonnes each on the nine month journey to Mars before autonomously landing there. Once unloaded, they can relaunch in the low gravity environment of Mars before returning and re-landing at Tyabb.

Ready to blast off: The heavy-rocket, designated “Yabbie One” that will be used to resupply future missions to Mars. Picture: Supplied

Asked by Derrick DiMaggio from The Public Record about the noise, Croimoux said, “There will be noise at Tyabb, I’m not going to deny it. But only for a few minutes at a time. People in Melbourne will hardly hear the launches at all, and in Swan Hill, they won’t hear a thing!”

“We’ve done an extensive door-knocking survey and have taken note of resident’s feedback. As a result we will ensure that launches are limited to less than 12 a day, and only between the hours of 2am and 11pm.”

Croimoux declined requests by The Public Record for a copy of the survey results.

“It will be terrific. The people of Tyabb will be filled with pride as their homes shake and their bedrooms light up with the blinding flare of another rocket heading for Mars,” said Mr Croimoux.

“They’ll be so happy to see the back of those annoying airplanes, and in knowing they are part of history in the making”.

Frankston ‘furious’ after sand sculpting loss

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Security at many Mornington Peninsula tourist destinations is believed to have been ramped up after a threats to steal events and tourist attractions have been received from Frankston.

The threats are after a “furious” Frankston lost the sand sculpting that it, in turn, stole from Rye eleven years ago.

“This is the crime of the century” said Frankston businessman Ross Swinkleton who commented the The Public Record on the condition on anonymity. “It is like your dad sneaking off to the beach after dark with a garbage bin to get sand for the sandpit – times a thousand.”

“We’d even been given a government grant to but a roof over the Frankston Sand sculpting, but now everything is ruined!”

Swinkleton is referring to the $750,000 federal government grant announced by then Dunkley MP Bruce Billson in 2016.

But bitterness has never died down over the years, with the entire Mornington Peninsula still mourning the loss of this iconic annual event from Rye.

But in masterstroke, power brokers have managed to win the event back to the peninsula.

The event will now be held at Boneo Maze in Fingal from 15th December.

But the group of influential businessmen at Frankston have vowed to not take such a brazen theft of their event laying down.

“Sure, we stole it from the peninsula first. But that doesn’t mean they can steal it back! Didn’t their mothers tell them that two wrongs don’t make a right?” said Mr Swinkleton.

It is believed now that the same group of businessmen are on the lookout for other events/tourist attractions to grab for Frankston.

“The Eagle would look pretty good going up Olivers Hill, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe you can take a ride on it after having a jump or two off The Pillars situated on the beach at Frankston!”

And it is rumoured that there is now a secret council study to try and find sufficient real estate to establish a hinterland in Frankston, where apple orchards, strawberry farms and, of course, wineries will have visitors rambling around the City of Frankston every weekend.

“Oh… and maybe relax at the end of your weekend meandering around the City of Frankston with a soak in our HOT SPRINGS” said Mr Swinkleton.

“This is not the end! Sleep with one eye open Mornington Peninsula!”

 

 

Boom gates for Barkly St roundabout to manage Main St traffic

in Latest News
Boom time: Boom gates being removed before their delivery to Main Street Mornington.

Work has begun to install boom gates at the Barkly Street roundabout in Main Street, Mornington.

It is hoped that, once completed, it will further slow traffic at the intersection, and ensure even greater pedestrian safety.

“Luck was really on our side here,” said Project Manager Darren Swinderfufel. “We were scratching our heads wondering what to do next when Lady Lucky took over.”

It was a chance encounter while Gavin from purchasing was selling his camper trailer on Gumtree. There they were like pairs of giant jousting sticks. Now discarded due to the level crossing removal works. Four sets of rail boom gates.

“It was an amazing find” said Mr Swinderfufel. “Apart from the obvious fact that Gavin was violating workplace policy by selling his camper trailer during work hours, it was an amazing find.”

The plan is to install the boom gates at all four entrances to the Barkly Street/Main Street roundabout.

“We started this project with the aim to slow the traffic as much as possible.

“Placing the zebra crossings at all four of the entrances has been really successful. A driver might be able to get into the roundabout, but once he goes to exit, he finds a group of senior citizens that have bused in for Wednesday Market crossing at the speed of a lazy snail.

“The driver is then trapped in the roundabout, which has the added bonus of stopping all other traffic from getting through.”

The The Public Record decided to inspect the roundabout first hand, and dispatched their award winning reporter Derrick DiMaggio to investigate.

DiMaggio has not been seen or heard of since, but a reports have filtered back to headquarters of an “unhinged” man dressed in nothing more than Main Street Mornington hessian shopping bags fashioned into clothes, living in his car at the roundabout, screaming at pedestrians in a unrecognisable language, believed to be the tongue of the extinct Amazonian Bororo Tribe.

A random message received at TPR headquarters via morse code is believed to be from DiMaggio.

“Stuck. Stop. Out of fuel. Stop. Surviving on quinoa salad and café latte. Stop. Costs mounting. Stop. Don’t worry. Stop. Told them I work at Mornington News. Stop. They should receive large expense account. Stop. As for roundabout. Stop. Tell them to stop. Stop.”

But the future looks bright for the roundabout and the authorities plan is “zero”.

“I think they wanted zero accidents to be honest,” said Mr. Swinderfufel “So we took it one step further”.

“If we have zero cars getting through the roundabout, then we’ll have zero accidents. It really is a win for common sense.”

And the future plans?

“Well, if the boom gates don’t bring traffic at the Barkly Street roundabout to a grinding halt, we have a few other options”.

Asked what they were Mr Swinderfufel declined to elaborate except to say that pits of burning oil and sharpshooters on surrounding buildings taking out drivers who looked like they might successfully navigate the roundabout had all been put on the table as options.

Derrick DiMaggio for shire CEO

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An open letter to shire councillors and fellow citizens…

Dear Mornington Peninsula Shire councillors and fellow citizens,

It was Dante in ‘The Inferno’ who wrote the words that come to mind today…

“The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis”.

And as news filters through to The Public Record that Mornington Peninsula Shire councillors have decided to advertise the position of shire CEO I am announcing that I, Derrick DiMaggio, have decided it is time to step out from the shadows of neutrality and offer my services in that role.

The Mornington Peninsula was once a fun place to live. Citizens will remember a time when you could drive to the shops and find a park. Or a time when your dog could give a kid a nip at the beach and not be impounded. Or a time you could fill your recycling bin full of broken up concrete and not get a nasty sticker put on it.

No more, councillors and fellow citizens. Now we have been sucked into the mire of bitterness and anger where a single false move will see you snatched off the street by henchmen, and taken to a basement where you will have leeches placed on you until you recant.

The time to turn back the clock is now.

With only some limitations, I am willing to take over the top job and turn this ship around.

Speaking of ships. I refer to the Fake News Media’s constant attacks on the current CEO for the one cruise he took. How can the CEO of a tourism hot-spot preach if he does not practice? I intend to take more cruises in an official capacity as shire CEO to tell the tourism-loving population what a great place the Mornington Peninsula is.

I’d even go so far as to shut down the shire’s new Melbourne office and take the presidential suite on the Fairstar year round.

Next will be to reverse the alcohol ban at the shire. A municipality that prides itself on its fine alcoholic beverages should not have a ban of that nature. In fact, I will seek to make drinking compulsory at council meetings as a show of support to our vignerons.

We need to rid the Mornington Peninsula Shire of bureaucracy, ‘yes’ men, and consultants. If we need to dig a hole to build a pool, let’s not hire consultants to do a feasibility study! If Mad Mike from the pub can borrow a back-hoe from a mate for just a slab and a sack of spuds, then let Mad Mike do it!

The time is now to move forward into this century with a new ‘can do’ attitude and I, Derrick DiMaggio, am the best man to have at the helm of this shire.

One little issue is my retainer. The CEO’s salary is a little on the light side. I have considerable child support commitments and have payments arrangements with Sherriff’s departments in three states. But we can always negotiate that once I am appointed.

I will await your call. Let’s make the Mornington Peninsula great again together!

Sincerely,

Derrick DiMaggio

 

The Pillars wall to Trump jumpers

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While the Mornington Peninsula Shire has put forward a plan to manage the hordes of visitors to Mt Martha’s “The Pillars”, a group of influential businessmen have taken the issue into their own hands.

“Public comment this, public comment that,” said Mt Martha real estate agent, Terrence Snufkin.

“What we need is action, and action now”.

The group is sending a delegation to Washington DC in the hope to get a meeting with US President Donald Trump.

“We too are going to build a wall. And Millennials from the northern suburbs are going to pay for it!” said Mr Snufkin.

The idea is simple, according to the group. While the United States have already done the hard work developing a wall to run along its southern border, the Australians plan to offer to “chip in”, increasing their buying power, and getting two walls out of the deal.

“It really is a win-win. It should save money for the US taxpayer, and get us a wall at a greatly reduced cost”.

Word from power brokers inside The Whitehouse is that those in the know are over the moon.

“If you can keep out 20-somethings with their heart set on getting that Instagram shot jumping off The Pillars in Australia, then keeping hoards of impoverished work-seekers heading across our southern boarder should be a breeze” said a US official on the condition of anonymity.

“God knows…. the former are a lot harder to dissuade”

While The Public Record has not contacted the Mornington Peninsula Shire mayor, Cr Bryan Payne, it is hard to imagine he would be against the wall. After all, he was quoted in the “fake news” Mornington News this week as saying “we need to protect it [The Pillars] from further impact”.

Of course, there is the possibility, with his rash and unpredictable nature, that Donald Trump won’t see the benefit in bulk-buying walls with the Mt Martha delegation.

“He is known to be pretty flighty,” said Mr Snufkin, “So of course we have a back-up plan”.

Asked by Derrick DiMaggio from The Public Record what they intending to do if their wall plan failed, Mr Snufkin replied “About 300 kilograms of high-explosives. Those kids will have trouble jumping off The Pillars if it is half a click offshore and under 20 metres of water”.

Either way, it seems peace will soon be restored to Mt Martha, and the frustration, inconvenience and alcohol bans of the past few years will soon become a distant memory.

Freeway noise solved with an earful

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After nearly two decades of inaction, it is believed a solution is at hand to deal with the incessant noise on the Mornington Peninsula Freeway.

“Things seem to have become worse, not better” said a spokesperson, on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t realise that a massive increase in traffic and chomping up all the vegetation would result in more noise. Who would have thought it?”

Members of a Safety Beach action group are frustrated that VicRoads has done little to curb increased traffic noise on the Mornington Peninsula Freeway. They say the noise deprives them of sleep, causes health issues and has lowered their standard of living.

“We hear them and fully understand. While we’re completing the removal of vegetation along this strip of freeway, we are looking at new works to plant vegetation along this strip of freeway”.

“This should decrease noise and air pollution, sun and traffic glare, reduce cross winds, decreased temperatures on the road and even reduce potential flooding. It really is a wonderful idea.”

Asked by The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio how long it would take for this new vegetation to return to the effectiveness of the vegetation that was just removed, the spokesperson said “about two decades”.

“It is not as simple as just replanting a few trees. We need to encourage wildlife back. We never knew how much road noise possums actually absorbed until we’d mulched them”.

With Her Majesty’s Press always keen to fully understand the situation, The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio was dispatched to investigate.

“I couldn’t just stand on the sidelines and observe. To find out the extent of the problem, I needed to immerse myself in it. I decided to sleep the night in a paddock behind Safety Beach. I can tell you, I woke at 3am after having a nightmare that I was being chased by a screaming banshee. It was horrible.”

“Once I had calmed down, I realised the nightmare was caused by the unbearable sound of traffic, and the tears of homeless possums. It was an unforgiveable reality”.

DiMaggio sent an open letter to “the authorities” demanding immediate action and got the following statement back:

“We have heard your compelling argument. We accept the error of our ways, and the grave inconvenience we have caused local residents. We will fix this NOW. We intend issuing all residents between Mt Martha and Rosebud with earplugs to solve this problem once and for all.’

As residents sleep blissfully from now on, they’ll be able to dream about what has turned out to be a win for commonsense over bungling bureaucracy.

New site sought for Mornington Pier

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Authorities appear to be at a loss when it comes to preventing the constant damage and consequent repairs to Mornington Pier.

Frustration at the situation has led to rumours of a fix to remedy the situation once and for all.

“It is obviously impossible to keep repairing the pier year after year as it gets destroyed time and time again,” explained a government official on the grounds of anonymity.

“So we are currently looking at removing the pier and placing it somewhere less likely to be battered around”.

Pressed by our reporter, Derrick DiMaggio, as to the possible new location of Mornington Pier, the official appeared to mumble “Moorooduc… perhaps?” under his breathe.

Despite a distinct lack of water, Moorooduc would ensure the pier would be safe from the winter storms that leave most of the pier on the bottom of the bay every time they swing through.

“We have to look at the bright side,” said the government official. “Most of the pier lying on the bottom of the bay has been a wonderful artificial reef, and a boon for fish breeding. It would make wonderful fishing…. were the pier to fish from not mostly on the bottom of the bay”.

The original wave screens were damaged by major storms in July and October 2016. Violent storms in previous years inflicted similar damage.

The suggestion that building a breakwater on the site to protect not only the pier but the yachts moored nearby was discounted quickly by the official.

“That is not going to happen. We’re not prepared to admit defeat here.”

But when pressed by reporter DiMaggio about the ongoing loss of yachts, the official offered what seems like a viable solution.

“We wouldn’t be against the idea of yacht owners moving their yachts to Moorooduc too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compromise takes pool out of the deep end

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One of the designs proposed for the Southern Peninsula Aquatic Centre when it was proposed for the Rosebud Foreshore

After years of arguments and ill-feeling, it seems that the Rosebud pool’s rival camps have finally shaken hands and agreed to compromise, allowing the project to proceed.

The latest bitter arguments centred around whether to make Rosebud’s new pool an Olympic sized 50-metre, or stick with the cheaper 25- metre option.

A source from inside council has exclusively told The Public Record that both sides have agreed on a compromise, and the pool will now be 37.5 metres long.

The project has long divided the community.

First there was wrangling over the location of the pool. The council decided the favoured site was on the Rosebud Foreshore. That was opposed by many, and eventually, in mid 2013, the shire dumped that location as the preferered site.

After Besgrove Street was decided as the favoured location, then the fighting began over the length of the pool.

“This is a win for common sense” said an anonymous source from within the shire. “Compromising the length at 37.5-metres will keep everybody happy”.

The pool will now be fast-tracked at the Besgrove Street site.

The cost of the aquatic centre was estimated at $28.4 million-$30.7 million, depending on it having a 25-metre or 50-metre pool. Now the length has been settled at 37.5-metres, it is expected the pool will cost $29.55 million.

Mornington Peninsula Shire Mayor Councillor Bryan Payne thanked the community members who have already provided their thoughts.

“We are inviting community members to attend a series of pop up sessions throughout the whole of the peninsula where you will have the ability to speak directly with Shire staff and have all your questions answered”.

Seawinds Ward Councillor Antonella Celi said “our community has been wanting an aquatic facility for the southern peninsula for a very long time – this is a very exciting time indeed for all involved”.

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