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The management of The Public Record have taken the unprecedented step of going public hoping to find out information on their missing journalist, Derrick DiMaggio.

Ten days ago, the following was scrawled on a fax received at TPR headquarters:

“Have accepted assignment as war correspondent for current civil conflict in Westeros. Unprecedented experience dealing with soulless people invading our lands from the north. Happens every summer on the peninsula. If Winterfell falls, next they’ll be jumping off The Pillars and taking our car parking spots. Must go north to provide strategic advice and FULL coverage. DM.”

Nothing has been heard of Derrick DiMaggio since.

“We are really concerned for Derrick’s welfare,” said a spokesman for The Public Record. “He has not been in contact with friends, family or his parole officer.”

“We did receive a post-pack with a shard of glass and a note that simply said ‘Dragonglass – Used’.”

“On closer inspection, it appeared to be glass from a broken Franks Red Hot Sauce bottle. Indeed, Gavin from accounts tasted the red substance and claimed that, while never having tasted White Walker blood, it seemed to taste very much like hot sauce.”

“Another clue to Derrick’s whereabouts is that the package was postmarked Karingal, so it appears he hasn’t made it any further north than there”.

“Indeed, we had a call about someone that matched Derrick’s description yelling loudly at a staff member at the Karingal TAB. Apparently the staff member had refused to accept the agitated man’s cashier’s cheque for $10,000 from the Bank of Lichtenstein. Bystanders said the man kept screaming he wanted to plunge all $10,000 on Julia Banks to take out Flinders at 6.5:1”.

Anyone who has sighted Derrick can contact The Public Record.

Nauru is these days known as the dumping ground of Australia’s refugees, but it was dumping of another kind that made Nauru one of the richest nations on earth during the last century.

The tiny country is renowned for their phosphate mines. With phosphate originally covering four fifths of the island, it seemed like a never ending resource, until that resource dried up in the early 2000’s.

But a delegation from Nauru are not going to go down without a fight, and have identified another phosphate-rich resource in Mornington, and now want to mine it.

“We’d heard about it, but when we saw it for the first time, we really couldn’t believe it,” said Jospeh Tiffenson, head of the Nauruan delegation. “The amount of bird poo on Main Street just made our jaws hit the floor and had us seeing dollar signs”.

It was the bird poo on Nauru that kept the mines going for a century, but they have now lodged plans with Mornington Peninsula Shire to strip-mine the phosphate-rich bird poo from the footpaths in Main Street, Mornington.

“It won’t cause much inconvenience,” said Mr Tiffenson. “There will be road closures, some noise, and the use of quite a bit of explosives to get the bird poo off the footpath, but then we’ll truck it away, and it will be like nothing happened. Indeed, the residents of Mornington will be left with clean footpaths at last!”

Ironically, explosives is one of the products that phosphate is used for. Other uses include fertilizer, as an additive to animal feeds, and for the manufacturing of fidget-spinners.

“Obviously, the fidget-spinner market is immense. We literally can’t get enough phosphate to keep up with the demand,” said Mr Tiffenson.

The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio has contacted Mornington Peninsula Shire by raven to ask about the Nauruan’s plans, but had yet to receive a reply by time of publication.

In stunning news sure to please anti-airport proponents in Tyabb, moves are underway to stop aircraft use at Tyabb Airport completely.

It is believed an international consortium are looking at a compulsory acquisition of the the entire airport under a United Nations mandate.

“We needed a Southern Hemisphere base, and quickly,” said Nathaniel Croimoux, head of international space organisation Mars Resupply Mission (MRM).

“We’ll stop the use of fixed wing aircraft completely if we manage to pull this off, which will be a total win for those in the community that are opposed to the airport.”

Mars Supply Mission are a contracted re-supplier to the intended missions to colonize Mars, and intend to build an international space-port at Tyabb used for the launch of reusable heavy-lift rockets.

“Mars is not the moon,” he said. “We won’t be going there for a few days and returning, we’ll be going there to build a new world. The cargo requirements will be in the millions of tonnes.”

MRM have been tasked with the mammoth task of supply and resupply to this “new world”.

“We’ll be transforming Tyabb Airport into a Southern Hemisphere space-port, supporting the continuous launch of these heavy-lift rockets to support the missions,” said Mr Croimoux.

“It will be wonderful. With the re-usability of rockets pioneered by the likes of SpaceX, we can launch, re-land the rockets, and launch again within hours. It is literally a matter of refilling the tanks with RP-1 and oxygen and strapping them to another payload”.

It is believed the heavy-lift rockets intended to be used will be able to transport up to 20 tonnes each on the nine month journey to Mars before autonomously landing there. Once unloaded, they can relaunch in the low gravity environment of Mars before returning and re-landing at Tyabb.

Asked by Derrick DiMaggio from The Public Record about the noise, Croimoux said, “There will be noise at Tyabb, I’m not going to deny it. But only for a few minutes at a time. People in Melbourne will hardly hear the launches at all, and in Swan Hill, they won’t hear a thing!”

“We’ve done an extensive door-knocking survey and have taken note of resident’s feedback. As a result we will ensure that launches are limited to less than 12 a day, and only between the hours of 2am and 11pm.”

Croimoux declined requests by The Public Record for a copy of the survey results.

“It will be terrific. The people of Tyabb will be filled with pride as their homes shake and their bedrooms light up with the blinding flare of another rocket heading for Mars,” said Mr Croimoux.

“They’ll be so happy to see the back of those annoying airplanes, and in knowing they are part of history in the making”.